Locked In

It’s been a long time since I’ve read my friend Rachel’s blog. I saw a reference to it in a mutual friend’s Facebook status update and realized how much I missed it, so I clicked the link, read a few posts and suddenly came upon a sentence that made me catch my breath.

In a post titled Love and Marriage, about how things change so many times in our lives and in others’, she wrote, “A friend here was walking down the beach with his new girlfriend as if last year he had not been doing the same with another.” The image was like a slap, because a few weeks ago I learned my ex was engaged to a woman he’d been dating four months, as if nine months earlier he had not been planning a life with me.

How is that possible? I’ve had a few loves in my life—some short, some long. All ended. For me, losing a lover is not like losing a pet; the way to get over the loss is not to run out and get another. For me, however the relationship ends, the loss of a lover shuts down my heart, often for a long time. Before meeting my now-engaged ex, I had not been in a relationship for five years.

The relationship with my most recent ex ended bitterly. And yet I miss him—or rather, I miss the contact, the rhythm, the feeling of being home. I’ve seen him twice since I learned of his news. Neither time sent me reeling; my heart has not yet healed enough to suffer a setback. I don’t want to be with him, but I could no more imagine being with someone else right now than I could imagine driving to the moon.

Would I like to be in another relationship? I would. But it’s as if my heart has locked-in syndrome, aware of the possibility of love, yearning for it even, but unable to move toward it. If I had a wish it would be that my heart unlock, that it open, wide and soon and bright with possibility, whether to someone new or someone familiar. That it lead me again to feel I am home.

Photo credit https://c1.staticflickr.com/9/8422/7622876406_032bd37388_z.jpg

7 thoughts on “Locked In

  1. You have to unlock it yourself. That happened to me – when I was in Istanbul with Fatma and the woman who read my fortune said that there were no roads into my heart so I came home and declared it open.

  2. Thanks Rachel; your comment gave me an idea: I want to see a fortuneteller. Not exactly a fortuneteller, a psychic we had on the podcast, Cari Roy. I meant to do it right after the show taped but I forgot. Thanks for the reminder!

  3. WOW… Honoured to be mentioned in your post, Graham. Tickled purple (up from pink) to be forming a trio with you and Rachel – – -> WE ROCK! And yes, I’m with Rachel on this one, you def. have to unlock it yourself. Unlock it… but keep a laser beam active at all times: only the kindred souls will pass through — others will be ZAPPED ON SIGHT. (p.s.: my facebook account has been disabled so keep writing and i’ll keep commenting. LOVE YOU)

  4. well shit. good stuff. well written. didn’t realize he was engaged. but it doesn’t surprise me. he doesn’t strike me as predictable. plus, it’s hard to attach rationale to things that pertain to emotion.

    but i’m w/ RD. you control the status of your heart. not some shiny-headed clown.

  5. Thanks John. I’m hoping to see Rachel tonight for more discussion on this topic! And you’re spot on re the ex. Very unpredictable, which makes it even tougher to rebound. Love your description of him!

  6. I almost could not believe what I was reading given that the last contact I had with you was to offer kindness when your dog died.
    I guess I’ll never learn about you.

    “The image was like a slap, because a few weeks ago I learned my ex was engaged to a woman he’d been dating four months, as if nine months earlier he had not been planning a life with me.”
    This is a reference to the walking down the beach quote of Rachel’s. Pathetic. I invited you to the beach with my family and you couldn’t even give up a couple of days to spend with the man who you suggest now you were thinking about spending your life with. What utter hogwash. How could we have spent a life together if you couldn’t spend three days with my kids.
    “Would I like to be in another relationship? I would. But it’s as if my heart has locked-in syndrome, aware of the possibility of love, yearning for it even, but unable to move toward it.” What balderdash. You fed me scraps of a relationship but sometimes you would only agree to see me once or twice a week. Your heart was locked out when I met you and I’ll bet it is till the day you die.
    You see Graham you want to win at everything you do. You can’t win everytime in a relationship. You can destroy your adversary, as you did with me.
    Hope it feels good.
    And no losing a lover is not like losing a pet. I know that because I’m sure you cried more tears over Lola than you ever did for me.

    Don’t you think it’s time you stopped blaming me for your problems? Problems you had long before I came along.

Leave a Reply